After my older brother died suddenly of a heart attack two days before Thanksgiving, my nieces joined up with my daughters and ganged up on me en masse about my smoking. I knew I needed to quit for my health, and I needed to quit so my husband (who has been a heavy smoker since he was a teenager) would also quit. My daughters had been begging me for years to stop, and when their cousins joined them, the pressure (not to mention five pairs of sad eyes) got to me and I gave in. I quit. It’s been a month since I quit smoking, and man! I’m pissed off! That’s not what you usually hear non-smokers say, but right now it’s how I feel.
I quit smoking quite a few years ago, and it didn’t bother me a bit. I decided one day I didn’t want to smoke anymore, so I put down the cigarettes. Never craved one, never missed it, never had a problem. I was a non-smoker for about ten years until an upheaval in my personal life sent me running for my husband’s cigarettes. The thing is, the time I quit before was because I really wanted to. I just didn’t want to smoke anymore. This time? Though I did kind of want to quit, at the same time I didn’t. And I miss it. Oh, how I miss it.
It’s not the nicotine I miss. Most, if not all, of it is gone from my system. It’s the smoking itself I miss. I miss the relaxation of lighting up with my first cup of coffee each morning. I miss the breaks during the day where I’d sit and smoke and think about where my story is going. I miss topping off a meal with a nice, leisurely cigarette. And not having those is having a profound effect on my personality.
Even worse? I don’t feel better. You know how everyone says, “Oh, you’ll feel so much better if you quit smoking!” Yeah, but when? I know it’ll take a while for my body to adapt, but it’s a right pain in the ass to give up my pacifier and not get any immediate good effects. And before anyone says anything smart about how whiny I’m being, let me remind you that I’m only a month into being a non-smoker.
Look, I know I’ve made a smart, healthy decision, one that very well may add lots of nice years to my life. And to my husband’s, because he’s quit smoking, too, God love him. It’s been even harder for him than me, but he’s hanging in there. He doesn’t seem to be as homicidal as me, but then again, he’s always been the calm one. 😉
I’ll get through it eventually, but right now it’s no walk in the park. So if I’m extra-bitchy for a while, you’ll know why.
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