Apparently I’m Super-Mega-Awesome Woman!

Heard of the newest trend? The Underboob Challenge? It even has its own hashtag, but I won’t use it. No sense in giving this thing more traction. It started in Japan, and is now spreading across the globe. Its premise is that if you’re able to hold a pen under your boobs then that means you’re a “real woman.” Uh-huh. Well, Mother Nature gave me a heapin’ helpin’ of boobage so losing holding a pen under them is no problem. Hell, a pen is no challenge for me; I can probably fit an entire office supply store under there, so apparently that makes me Super-Mega-Awesome Woman!

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Of course it doesn’t. There are guys who have larger boobs than me, and being able to hold a pen with them doesn’t make them women of any kind. There are women whose boobs aren’t large enough to require a bra, but the fact that those boobs won’t hold a pen doesn’t mean these aren’t real women. And what about breast cancer survivors who have had mastectomies? Their courage and determination make them much more real women than anyone who can hold a pen with their boobs.

And who came up with this, anyway? Boobs aren’t meant to hold anything. They’re there to nourish babies and drive men crazy. That’s it. No, this “challenge” is nothing more than yet another way girls are trying to feel better about themselves by making other girls feel awful. Probably someone who doesn’t have a “thigh gap” started it. She was told if her legs meet in the middle (which 99.99999% of legs do) then she is fat, and therefore worthless. So she looked at her average-sized boobs, found out they’d hold a pen, and then proclaimed that only “real women” had that ability. Make other girls, those with smaller chests, feel awful just so she could feel “real.”

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So now Instagram and Snapchat and those other apps I don’t know about and am too old to give a rat’s ass about are full of photos of the bottoms of the breasts of idiot girls with ink pens snuggled up under there. There are insecure girls who look at them and feel bad because their boobs won’t do what boobs aren’t meant to do anyway. But most of the photos are being ogled by men who don’t even notice the pens. (Seriously, boobs should just be detachable, right? That way you could pop ’em off and throw them to your man. “Here, play with these for a while. I’m trying to read over here.”)

Yes, it would be nice if women would feel good about themselves without tearing down other women to make that happen. But girls aren’t going to do that as long as they believe and/or start these “Because-My-Body-Does-This-And-Yours-Won’t-Then-That-Makes-Me-Better-Nanny-Nanny-Boo-Boo!” challenges, like the Thigh Gap Challenge, or the Reach Around and Touch Your Belly-Button Challenge, or Hold An Egg with Your Collarbone Challenge, or the Underboob Challenge.

I don’t have the answer. I don’t know—maybe women are just wired that way. We’ve been doing awful crap like this to each other since the dawn of time, and now with the internet we can do it faster and in larger numbers.

But I don’t believe these girls who can fit a pen under their boobs really believe that makes them “real” women. After all, if they did believe that then they’d believe I really am Super-Mega-Awesome Woman.

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